Mothering
It’s been a while! My apologies for the lack of posts... I’m in the midst of a home renovation, which is proving to be equally exciting and anxiety-inducing! I’ll fill you in on the progress when the renovations are complete, hopefully in the not-too-distant future.
Mother’s Day is a tricky one for so many every year, for a multitude of reasons.
For years after closing the door on my unfortunately unsuccessful five-year IVF journey, my body would take an emotional deep breath as the day approached. The knowledge that I hadn’t been able to fulfil my dream of having a baby weighed heavily on my emotions. I struggled with the term ‘childless’ because it felt so damning to me; to be ‘childless’ meant I was somehow ‘less’ than those who had been able to have children. The feelings of loss were overwhelming enough without this added ‘less than’ option thrown into the mix.
Little did I know that many (many!) years after those many months during each cycle of implantation and the surrounding homeopathic treatments I had opted for in the hope that this time it would make the pregnancy hold - (fancy a morning dose of placenta pills with your coffee, anyone?!)- that I would one day be able to accept this experience for what it was and move on. Obviously, with the wonder of hindsight, it’s very easy to say this, but it’s taken almost ten years for me to reach this place of contentment with the life I’ve built outside of that motherhood dream.
‘Mothering’ - one description in the Oxford Dictionary states mothering as “to treat a person with great kindness and love and to try to protect them from anything dangerous or difficult. " This description nudged me (along with many hours of counselling and the welcome care from friends and family) to emerge from that black hole of loss and realise that mothering comes in all shapes and sizes, and each of us can enjoy this journey in unique and individual ways.
With Mother’s Day just around the corner, here’s to all the iterations of wonderful mothers out there. Take this day to be cared for, to be thankful, and, of course, to be showered with gifts and treats!
And while I’ve yet to find a descriptive word for being ‘childless’ that feels right, I no longer feel the ‘less than’ emotions haunting me as they once did. Perhaps for now, there’s no need for a label.